***********
First a reminder to go check out Tim Frankovich’s Focus on Christian Fantasy page if you haven’t already done so. And for all the latest news on the Christian Sci-fi/fantasy blog tour keep checking with Becky at A Christian Worldview of Fiction.
Now for the poetry bit. There has been an exciting new development:
Due to some whining in the comments section from a certain bellyachin’ blogger mommy writer, the contest deadline has been extended to allow more people to hear about the wonderful Wilderking books and more people to think up terrifically funny love song stanzas written to the beautiful feechie belles they pine for (or wish they were, depending upon the gender of the poet in question). New deadline?
The winner will be announced on Friday, June 2, 2006
The entries are pouring in. 
(from those who just settled down to write instead of expending all that energy bellyaching about deadlines being too tough and whatnot). You all didn’t even give me time to examine the form of the poetry in question. There is a frame for the feechie love song that you can shoot for and if you reach it your chances of winning will greatly increase.
I was going to post my poem today to show you how it’s done, but Jonathan beat me to it with a very funny offering that I can’t believe didn’t make it into the book:
Her teeth ain’t too clean–kind of mossy and green–
But most of them’s still in her head.
Once I wrote her a love song, but she took it all wrong.
It’s a wonder old Branko ain’t dead.
This stanza is pretty much like the rest. There is a line about how she looks, smells, feels or whatever. Then a line about how Branko sees the defect as an asset. After that there is one line about how he tried to show his love for her followed by a line about how she misunderstood and beat him up.
That’s pretty much the pattern, as far as I can see.
So here is my offering:
With two hairy shins and three hairy chins,
My darlin’ is rightly attractive.
I declared my love sweetly and she walloped me neatly
And rendered me slightly inactive.
Not nearly as funny as Jonathan’s but it made my husband laugh. (He knew I was patterning the girl after myself.) 
One final tip: Go for the really gross touchy-feely things. Mossy and green teeth. That picture is so wonderfully disgusting. It’s going to be hard to beat. Of course, Jonathan is disqualified from the contest. So don’t be intimidated. Send in your entries.
Oh, and you may enter as often as you like, the judges love reading these funny poems.
I was just kidding about Heather being a whiner. She’s actually a very smart marketing/publicist type person. She just reviewed a book on the topic, in fact. And besides all that she’s a pretty and generous and all ’round wonderful person. (and for once I’m serious when I use the nodding smiley!)
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58 Responses to “wilderking poetry contest”
Bryan Davis Says:
May 17th, 2006 at 1:45 pm
Okay, I had to take time away from my book to have a little fun. Even if you judge mine favorably, please give the books to someone else. I already have the first two.
Here goes:
Her lips are sublime, all sticky with slime,
And kissin’ her makes us adhere.
So I gave her a basin, so her drool won’t be wastin’
But the basin is now in my ear.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Heather Says:
May 17th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
I will have to make sure my husband reads this — he may give you a high five about the belly-achin. You caught me.
But it’s all about getting more people to know about these great books!
Jonathan Rogers Says:
May 17th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
Nicely done, Bryan. And Sally, yours is excellent. I’m a little afraid that I’ll soon be out of a job if you get too many more outstanding entries.
And Sally, the reason my stanza didn’t make the book is because I just wrote it yesterday.
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 17th, 2006 at 5:55 pm
Very nice, Bryan.
These are fun.
Heather, at least you don’t have mossy green teeth so he should appreciate you. You’re a true Georgia peach.
wayne thomas batson Says:
May 17th, 2006 at 7:47 pm
Ok, ya’ had to go and appeal to my creative impulses. Here’s my try at a Feechie Ode:
She has globular thighs and the finest bloodshot eyes
all crusted just the way I like ‘em.
And her best perfume does smell like muck from Grandpappy’s well
but alas, she wears it so seldom.
-WTB
Mom 2 Mom Connection » Blog Archive » Wilderking Poetry Contest Says:
May 17th, 2006 at 10:38 pm
[…] You can read more details about the contest in this post here at All About Children’s Books. You will need to email Sally your contest entry or be bold and share it everyone in the comments section. If you want a good laugh, go read the ones that are already posted. By: Heather in: Books, Writing | Permalink | » […]
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 18th, 2006 at 12:21 am
Wow, Wayne Thomas Batson jumps into the fray!
All we need now is RK Mortenson and Sigmund Brouwer and I think we’ll have all the CBA kid’s fantasy writers here. Well Donita could join too even though she’s usually in the adult section of the store. After all Bryan is usually in the adult section as well, so fair is fair.
Donna J. Shepherd Says:
May 18th, 2006 at 9:14 am
Oh, these are TOO funny. Thanks for the laughs. Good luck to everyone in the contest.
Donna
Marie Beard Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 11:24 am
Her lips is as sweet as a crabtree’s green apple
At least that’s the best I can figger
‘Cuz ruther than kissin’, my gal likes to grapple
And my longin’s itch jest like a chigger.
Rhiannon Beard Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 12:10 pm
Age: 11
Her sweat smells more toothsome than stinkbugs.
I guess she misunderstood what I said.
In between my eyes she gave me a slug,
And it gave me a knot on the head.
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
Very nice, Marie. I think you got this gal’s fierce nature down.
And what a kid-friendly way to put that last line about poor, poor Branko.
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 12:19 pm
Rhiannon, thanks for putting your age.
And yowsers this is good poetry, kiddo. Good rhythm and rhyme and your girl smells so good when she sweats.
You all are making it tough on the judges with all these good entries!
Marie Beard Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
She’s tougher than gristle, but her shape makes me whistle,
I love her with all of my liver
Her moustache, it tickles even more than a thistle,
When she head butts me into the river.
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
Aidan Beard Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Her freckles is cute, iffen you give a hoot,
But if you insult them she’ll whomp ya.
Once I called her a beaut, but she rendered me mute
I found out she knows how to stomp ya.
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 1:49 pm
The judges are howling here in the Children’s Publishing News Towers.
That’s a gonna be hard to beat, Aidan.
You didn’t put your age.
12?
Rhiannon Beard Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
My gal has nails as sharp as her ears
She’s meaner than her juicy fried turtle
My mama mislead me to tell her one day
And into the tree I was hurtled
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
Rhiannon! nails as sharp as her ears? That is such a good line!
I love these!
Marie Beard Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
When I sang of my passion she called me a brash ‘un
She promised to teach me some manners
Though we keep on a-clashin’ I don’t mind a thrashin’
There’s no love I could find greater than ‘ers.
Aidan Beard Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 2:56 pm
Yes I’m 12…and a half
Rebecca LuElla Miller Says:
May 21st, 2006 at 4:53 pm
OK, here’s mine. Who knows, I may get inspired and do more. This was fun.
My gal’s really plump, both her stomache and hump,
Which gives me more layers to hug.
‘Cept she whaps me real flat, like a bothersome gnat,
And stuffs me headfirst in her jug.
Becky
Heather Says:
May 21st, 2006 at 9:28 pm
To Sally and the Executive Judging Committee in the tower of All About Children’s Books: The Ivester children have written a couple of stanzas of feechie love songs. This activity made for some mighty fine dinner conversation.
You may think it rude
The way my girl chews her food
She smacks and eats soup with a slurp.
But when she’s all done,
Well, you’ll see she’s real fun
As she leans back and ends with a burp.
My darlin’s a rose
From her head to her toes.
She smells sweet as a skunk in the spring.
With hair smooth as a briar,
My heart burns like a fire.
Aw man, she’s the purtiest thing.
NOTE: We know these lyrics will make the judges weep with joy, but we already own signed copies of Books 1 and 2 and are hoping to have Book 3 signed when the author visits for a nearby book signing in June.
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 1:45 am
Oh, this is so much fun. This poor fat feechie gal, belchin’ and stompin’ all over the place. It brings tears to my eyes.
My kids are ineligible but they had to get in on the action.
Nikki’s:
Her hair ain’t too neat, her breath ain’t too sweet,
It smells like one stinky skunk.
Once I tried to kiss her, and she hit me in the kisser,
My darlin’ sure has some spunk.
Shane’s:
Her face ain’t too pretty, all pitted and zitty
And she can always beat me in a race.
I wrote her a love poem and I took it to her home,
Where she promptly socked my face.
A Christian Worldview of Fiction » Fantasy and a Christian Worldview, Part 6 Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 9:05 am
[…] Now that the first stop of the tour is officially over, I’ll help you locate the fantasy poetry contest. You still have a little over a week to participate (I posted my offering Sunday.) The contest is the brainchild of Sally Apokedak, and she introduced it last week at All About Children’s Books. […]
R. K. Mortenson Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 9:47 am
Marie Beard’s head-butting into the river rhyme had me laughing out loud. What a zinger! All the entries are good. Sally, with the good Dr. Rogers’ permission, you’re going to have to compile these into a book of feechie love songs.
My humble offering:
With cobwebs for hair, many he-feechies stare
Can’t blame ‘em for wantin’ a peek
But they better jump quick’n when her tongue goes a lick’n
Slurp’n that spider right into her beak
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 9:59 am
Thanks for joining in, RK!
PS Marie’s head butt into the river made me laugh too. As well as Branko’s loving his gal with all of his liver.
R. K. Mortenson Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 12:47 pm
I love my girl fully ’cause she’s all soft and rolly
I feel faint when she sits next to me
But the dizzy spell’s short when she sits with a snort
‘Cause I find myself up in a tree!
Ai-yeee!
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 12:59 pm
They’re addictive, arent’ they.
R. K. Mortenson Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 2:55 pm
quote
Please direct me to the nearest (and soonest) feechie-holics anonymous gathering. I think I may need some help.
Rebecca LuElla Miller Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 9:40 pm
Here’s number two:
My bride’s a cootie pie, so bald you’ll want to cry.
I coat her with kisses galore.
She slugs just the same; now I’m practically lame,
So’s I can hardly come back for more.
Becky
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 23rd, 2006 at 2:03 am
My feechie love is a cut above,
she rassles snakes and gators.
And after she wins, she peels off their skins
and cooks them with carrots and taters.
All About Children’s Books » a word about feechies Says:
May 23rd, 2006 at 1:03 pm
[…] […]
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 23rd, 2006 at 4:20 pm
She smells like dead fish, and if I had one wish
We two would have never been parted.
But she didn’t feel the love, so she gave me a shove
and put me back in the swamp where I started.
All About Children’s Books » Says:
May 24th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
[…] Enter here! […]
Jared Romero Says:
May 24th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
I’ve got me the best feechie girly, with skin all knotted and gnarly
she brightens the failing eyes in my head.
Then to my surprise, how embarrassed was I
to find myself hugging a treeroot instead.
Rebecca LuElla Miller Says:
May 24th, 2006 at 10:16 pm
I’m still not saying they’re addicting, but I will be sad when the contest is over. Here’s the next offering:
My darlin’s coarse skin and her olive-shade fin
Help me hold her despite the swamp slime.
But she clocks me real hard, cuz I ain’t no great bard,
And now she’s done lost too much time.
Becky
Jonathan Rogers Says:
May 25th, 2006 at 11:14 am
I see the woods are full of feechie geniuses. Brilliant stuff. I’ve been vacationing this week off the coast of South Carolina (it’s a very feechiefied setting) but I finally found an internet connection…and naturally the first thing I did was to check on the feechie poetry contest. I’m looking forward to lingering over these when I get back next week (when there’s not a line of people waiting to use the computer!)
Marie Beard Says:
May 25th, 2006 at 1:02 pm
Here’s a feechie gal’s response to a marriage proposal.
If you ask me to give up my freedom,
This warning you’d better be heeding.
If I catch you cheating, I’ll give you a beating
And leave you all black, blue, and bleeding.
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 25th, 2006 at 5:40 pm
Oohh, nice twist on the theme, Marie.
Jared, I keep saying I have to check out that secret agent site of yours. It make the neatest sounds when I open it. I really want to know what you’re doing over there. Can you tell me a little about it?
Ummm Becky? Does the girl have a fin now? Is she a mermaid?
Jonathan?
on vacation while the rest of us are slaving over feechie poems? What’s up with that?
Jared Romero Says:
May 25th, 2006 at 6:34 pm
Two for the money.
…or for the road. Or… uhm, how does it go again? Well anyway, here’s two. That part is correct at least.
She was perfect all covered in muck, some twigs, an old boot, the bones of a duck,
and I immediately began composing my vows
I dropped to one knee, but she could not see me
for the mud swallowed me up to my eyebrows
Her pale skin glistened, glowing like lichen
smiting me right to the heart
I hugged her real tight, but she cried out “Fight!”
and pounded me flatter than bark
Sally – thanks for your interest in AGENTS! Please do check out the site (just remember to turn the volume down this time, or buckle in
) We’re a company making media to help kids become Special Agents for God. I don’t want to hijack this awesome thread, but I’d be happy to email you more about it.
And I’ll second the motion for this being one of the most fun contests of ALL TIME (time…time…time….)
Pam Halter Says:
May 26th, 2006 at 9:55 am
I’m not a poet, but who could resist getting in on this one?
Me feechie love’s an odious thing,
She head butts like no other.
She spits and drools and talks plain rude,
Reminds me of me mother.
Me feechie love’s an arduous thing,
Fish breath’s not a bother.
The hair on her chin does me in,
Reminds me of me father.
Thanks for the opportunity! Great feechie fun!!
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 26th, 2006 at 11:33 am
Pam! Great stuff.
You ought to have it framed and give it to your mother for Mother’s Day next year.
Noel Says:
May 26th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
She’s my sweet Feechie-Poo, (kind of smells like it, too)
But the fact only serves to endear her.
Every time we embrace,
That small, mud-slathered face
Stills my heart – even swamp gators fear her.
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 26th, 2006 at 7:54 pm
Noel, that was worth the wait.
Now where’s the smiley plugging his nose?
Oh, here’s one for you:
heh heh. Just thought your twelve-year-old brother would like that.
Rebecca LuElla Miller Says:
May 27th, 2006 at 4:33 pm
I gotta say, Noel’s deserves
Here’s my next offering. (Addicting? Well, maybe just a little.
)
With flakes in her hair and a deadly cold stare,
My dear wife is the one meant for me.
But she kicks me so hard ‘til I turn into lard,
Then she chases me back up my tree.
Becky
Pam Halter Says:
May 28th, 2006 at 9:44 pm
I think Jonathan should take all the entries and turn them into a gift book. It would make a GREAT anniversary or wedding gift!
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 28th, 2006 at 11:00 pm
Yes, but Pam . . . um . . . I don’t know how to say this so I guess I’ll just blurt it out . . .
A woman with a mother who is remembered for her spitting and drooling may not be the best judge of just what might make a good anniversary gift.
Some women wouldn’t appreciate getting a book of feechie love poems for their anniversary. They might just head butt the giver into the river.
Marie Beard Says:
May 28th, 2006 at 11:47 pm
Well, I WOULD like a feechie book for my anniversary, especially if the contributors receive royalties! But I would prefer my husband to write his own love poem. Here’s a starter for him:
Is you is, or is you ain’t my feechie…..
Marie Beard Says:
May 29th, 2006 at 12:15 am
How does I love thee? Listen, I’ll tell thee!
Let me count the ways here:
All eight of thy toes, thy runny nose,
The way you needs a razor.
Sally Apokedak Says:
May 29th, 2006 at 12:32 am
Ah, Marie, Marie, Marie
This is what we get for staying up so late and getting punchy on a Sunday night.
Pam Halter Says:
May 29th, 2006 at 9:13 am
And getting head butted in the river would be a real possibility for me since I live half a block from the Delaware.
However, my hubby knows me so well, he would probably get me something like a feechie love poem book for our anniversary.
Pam Halter Says:
May 29th, 2006 at 1:32 pm
How ’bout an acrostic?
F oulest breath in the swamp
E verything green & mossy
E arsplitting battle yell
C hawing & spitting
H eadbutt champ
I nsect stew
E wwwwwwwww!
All About Children’s Books » Says:
May 29th, 2006 at 1:52 pm
[…] Enter now! […]
Pam Halter Says:
May 30th, 2006 at 9:52 am
Okay, this one’s really bad, but for what it’s worth, here it is:
Catfish with grubs, turtle stew
There’s nothing my feechie love can’t do
Grilled snake meat, pickled gator feet
Makes a guy want to eat a few
Rebecca LuElla Miller Says:
May 30th, 2006 at 1:18 pm
Got a couple today. (OK, OK! I ADMIT it. The ARE addicting. I’m addicted.
What can I say? 
)
The gal of my heart has some hair she must part—
Clumps on each of her perty, thin legs.
So I offer to comb both her trunks and her dome,
But she hangs me head first with some pegs.
My love has a hook, like my shepherd’s bent crook,
That exists a tad south of her eyes.
When I tweak it a bit, she just throws a huge fit
And then swats me away with the flies.
Becky
Marie Beard Says:
May 30th, 2006 at 1:32 pm
I think some of these authors are even crazier than I am! But here’s a haiku for the mix.
Glistening with sweat
Muscular feechie dream-mate
Fearsome enemy.
Pam Halter Says:
May 30th, 2006 at 4:05 pm
HA!!! Okay, how ’bout alliteration?
My fearsome feechie friend fights ferociously
when faced with flowerly frills.
I don’t know about you all, but my brain is fried here in NJ. It’s about 90* in my house and I’m feeling a little silly and tired.
[...] 2006 Sally Apokedak (yes, that Sally Apokedak) ran a Feechie Love Poem contest on her blog. She suggested that we reprise it around here. I like that idea, except that [...]