sally apokedak » Grammar

She Tired of Him. She Wanted to Throw His Book Across the Room. He Scoffed at Her. He Went Right On, Starting Every Sentence With a Pronoun.

sally apokedak — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 19:09:36 +0000

Mike Duran recently read and reviewed a romance novel, Redeeming Love, by Francine Rivers.

He said some nice things about the book—about what he called the “redemptive arc and its parabolic whimsy,” and about the way Rivers captured the gospel of grace with the story. Mike also found some weaknesses, though, one of which was the author’s overuse of pronouns. He posted this paragraph to illustrate:

She didn’t want him bothering her anymore. He wanted her. She felt it radiating from his body, but he never did anything about it. He talked. He asked questions. He waited, for what she didn’t know. She was tired of trying to think up lies to make him happy. He just asked the same question again in a different way. He wouldn’t give up. Each time he came, he was more determined.

A couple of people commenting on Mike’s post said they didn’t have trouble with the paragraph above. Someone rightly stated that pronouns are invisible words, and the reader can skim right over them. I think someone else pointed out that pronouns are preferred over proper nouns. That’s true, too. The problem is that when you start every sentence with a pronoun, and when you don’t vary your sentence structure, you run the risk of boring your reader.

When I write a first draft it almost always looks like that paragraph above. I’m seeing the scene in my head and I’m moving quickly and I write in short sentences, starting every sentence with a pronoun because I’m seeing the character act. I’m watching as she does this and she does that and she does the other thing.

When I edit I try to clean up such paragraphs. There are ways to write that paragraph without starting the sentences with pronouns or proper nouns. Those are not our only choices.

Here’s what I came up with:

Mary didn’t want him coming around anymore with his money and his maddening questions. Clearly, he wanted her—desire radiated from his body—but he never acted on that desire. All he did was ask questions. Sitting in the corner, as far from her as he could get, he’d eye her hungrily and press her for answers.

Night after night, she wore herself out, trying to think up lies that would make him happy, but nothing satisfied him. Every time she gave an answer, he’d ask again in a different way, piling questions upon questions until they filled the room and she felt like she would smother under their weight.

I don’t have the book here, so I don’t know the context of the original paragraph. Maybe I took this in a way she wasn’t going. But the point is that there are all kinds of ways to vary sentence structure and language to make a paragraph interesting.

My guess is that we don’t want to fill every paragraph with word pictures and heavy emotion because that will tire readers and take away from the important paragraphs we want to emphasize. If all the paragraphs are slow and weighty, then no paragraph rises up tell the reader, “Look at the emotion here. Feel the tension. This part is important.”

Still, we shouldn’t have any paragraphs where nine out of ten sentences begin with he or she. I doubt very much that Ms. Rivers was being lazy when she let that paragraph go. I suspect she simply missed it. That happens.

But now that we’ve seen it, who wants to take a stab at fixing it? Give it ten minutes and see what you can come up with. Take it any direction you want—make it a sci-fi paragraph or pretend the book is a mystery, if you want. Or a horror story. No holds barred. Let’s just say that no more than two sentences can start with a pronoun. If you do well on this one, next week might try to rewrite the love scene Mike also posted.

It might be fun to give that one a dystopian or steampunk-ish twist.

Anything to keep from having to work on my own WIP.

When to Use Passive Voice in Fiction

sally apokedak — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 03:47:02 +0000

So when is it OK to use passive voice?

Passive voice is useful and necessary when you don’t know who is acting, when what was done is more important than who did it, and when you want to speed up the narrative.

When you don’t know who is acting:

A fern was crushed. The tracker stooped down to inspect it.

Who crushed the fern? The tracker doesn’t know because he wasn’t there when it happened, so he can’t tell us.

When what was done is more important than who did it:

The Gingerbread Man was killed today,
He’ll be desperately missed.
Never again will he run away,
Or be hugged, or petted, or kissed.

What is important is that the beloved Gingerbread Man has died. It doesn’t matter how.

Later. . .later dazed people will be able to think again. Then they will ask, “Who killed the Gingerbread Man?” But at first all they can take in is that their Gingerbread Man is dead.

If we give too many details right away, those details will be lost, because at the time of great emotion, readers can’t take everything in. So, if you have a traumatic event in you novel, try writing it in passive voice at first and then feeding in the details about who did what later. And see if the passive accounting doesn’t actually make the whole event more powerful than an active reporting of the event.

When it doesn’t matter who was acting and you want to speed the story so the readers feel like they are making progress:

Usually passive writing slows the pace. But sometimes, I think, it speeds the pace and adds variety to scenes that would otherwise plod along.

Half an hour later the winter boots and backpacks were tied to the corners of the tiny raft with rope Mr. Habakkuk had grudgingly provided. Nate was tethered to one backpack, Connie to the other, and the two parkas were spread across the top of the raft making a soft seat for Habakkuk.

That whole paragraph is a passive summary of what happened in a half hour. To tell it actively wouldn’t take more than a paragraph, so why use the passive voice? Because an active paragraph here actually slows the story down.

Mr. Habbakkuk conjured up rope for the kids to use. Nate tied the winter boots and the two backpacks to the corners of the tiny raft and then he tethered himself to the one backpack and Connie to the other. After that, he and Connie spread their parkas across the top of the raft, making a soft seat for Mr. Habakkuk.

The first paragraph is 53 words and the second 61. So why do I think the passive is better in this instance? Because in the first paragraph the reader sees that a half an hour has passed and junk has been accomplished. It gives the feeling of speed. The second paragraph slows things down as we watch an actor perform each uninteresting task. And since there is no reason the reader needs to know who does what here, it’s fine to leave the actor out of the picture.

So go ahead and try the passive voice sometimes.

Sparingly.

It may serve as a nice change-up for your manuscript.

Passive Voice Defined

sally apokedak — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 03:42:37 +0000

Passive voice is to be avoided in writing. Why? Because it’s boring.

Hmmm. So maybe I should have said, “Writers should avoid using the passive voice.” Is that more interesting than the first line I went with?

There are “passive voice” cops who will complain about every instance of passive voice in a manuscript. And there are editors who will skim the first few pages of a manuscript and throw it aside if they see the passive voice because they believe the writer who uses the passive voice must be a novice.

So learning what the passive voice is and learning when to avoid it is pretty important.

Passive Voice ~ What it is.

A passive sentence is one in which the thing being acted upon is the subject of the sentence.

The ball was kicked.

That sentence is passive because the subject of the sentence—the ball—is passively sitting there minding its own business when it is suddenly kicked.

To make the sentence active you would make an actor the subject of the sentence.

John kicked the ball.

Now the sentence is active because an actor is acting.

Passive Voice ~ What it’s not.

Some people think that any sentence with the word “was” in it is passive. While searching out “was” and doing away with it when possible is a great exercise, there is nothing wrong with using “was” in your manuscripts. In fact, if you are writing in past tense, you have to use it. A lot.

“The ball was kicked,” is passive. But, “The ball was flat,” is not passive. It’s simply past tense.

Yesterday the ball was flat, today the ball is flat, and tomorrow the ball will be flat.

It’s a simple statement of fact, like saying “John was smart.”

Yes, you could say “John punctured the ball,” or “On the day God handed out brains, he made sure to give John a double portion,” and make the sentences active. But there is nothing wrong with simply saying the ball was flat and John was smart. Especially when you don’t know who is acting. What if no one acted? What if the ball has never been inflated? Then no one acted to flatten it. It simply was flat.

Some people look for the was/ing combination and edit them. They replace, “The man was singing,” with, “The man sang.”

The first sentence, they say, is passive, while the second is active. That’s not really true. Both sentences are active and past tense and both say almost the same thing. Almost, but not quite.

“The man sang,” is tighter than, “The man was singing.” It’s snappier, sharper. But it also can be interpreted to mean the man sang only one song or even one note, whereas to say the man was singing makes it clear the man was continually singing.

Peter walked into the café. On a small stage in front, a man sang. At the bar two women sat. Behind the counter a waitress filled water glasses.

Peter walked into the café. On a small stage in front a man was singing. At the bar two women were sitting. Behind the counter a waitress was filling water glasses.

Both of those paragraphs are active. Peter is acting. Then a man is acting. Two women are acting. And finally a waitress is acting. In the first paragraph you get a snapshot of a moment in time—the moment when Peter walked into the café. In the second paragraph you get a feeling of interrupted and ongoing action. Peter walked into the bar and these things had been going on before he came in and they were continuing to go on now that he was in the café.

The first version also gives a little more speed to the scene, while the second slows it down a tad. The first feels a little cleaner, the second a little more cluttered. The first gives the feel that Peter is a little more efficient as a POV character, the second that he is a little slower in how he takes in his surroundings.

So look at your sentences with “was” and think about why you want to use them. But don’t think that all sentences with “was” are passive. That’s simply not the case.

Next week? How To Use Passive Voice Effectively. Yes, there is a time to use it, despite what you’ve read about eradicating it from all manuscripts everywhere.

Tense Issues

sally apokedak — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 03:31:51 +0000

It didn’t use to be much of a problem for novelists. Everyone wrote in past tense. First person past tense, or third person past tense.

Past Tense—First Person:

Yesterday I hit the ball, kicked the cat, and ate the pancakes.

Past Tense—Third Person:

Yesterday Timmy hit the ball, kicked the cat, and ate the pancakes.

I’m not sure who changed all that. Bright Lights, Big City was an early present tense book.

Present Tense—First Person:

Today I hit the ball, kick the cat, and eat the pancakes.

Present Tense—Third Person:

Today Timmy hits the ball, kicks the cat, and eats the pancakes.

To make matters worse, Bright Lights, Big City was written in the second person. Yikes! It drives me nuts!

Present Tense—Second Person:

Today you hit the ball, kick the cat, and eat the pancakes.

Now present tense is done often enough that I’ve gotten use to it. Thankfully the second person has never caught on.

In children’s picture books and short stories, present tense works well because small children can relate to a character on an ongoing journey. They like to walk along through the character’s day with the character.

Past tense is the most common tense for fiction writers and probably one editors want new writers to use. It’s comfortable. It’s been proven. Still, you can use whatever you want, yes, even the dreaded present tense, second person as long as you do it well. You have to be consistent. You may not change tenses mid-story, mid-chapter, or mid-paragraph.

What can you do if you have tense problems? I think reading the manuscript aloud will clue you in. Your ears will hear what your eyes have not, to borrow and pervert a phrase from Nicholas Nickleby. (Have you seen the Disney film? Do you remember him angrily making it clear that he had no intention of marrying the young Miss Squeers?)

Nicholas: Does your friend think I’m in love with her?

Tilda: Does she think so? Of course.

Nicholas: But I have made no such declaration.

Tilda: Your eyes said what your mouth could not.

Nicholas: Perhaps my mouth should say what my eyes have not. I have scarcely seen the lady three times but should I have seen her 30 or 30,000, it would be the same. I have not one thought, hope or wish connected with her unless it is part of the picture I keep in my mind of one day being able to turn my back upon this accursed place and never to think of it again with any feeling but loathing and disgust.

Nicholas has no trouble expressing his opinions, eh? Perhaps an article on characterization is in order. But for now, back to tense. Read your work aloud. It will do wonders for you.